How Big Is Your Organ

Old Bloke: Yeah, mine’s massive. Chicks love a big one.

Young Pup: I thought size didn’t matter?

Old Bloke: That’s just what blokes with small ones say. It’s gotta be big. And soft, chicks don’t like a hard one.

Young Pup: I’m confused.

Old Bloke: What’s so hard to understand? Women like blokes with big, soft hearts.

Young Pup: Oh, that organ? I thought you meant women want a bloke with a big—

Cock-sure men the world over have been assuming they know what women find attractive for years. But, as the plot of every rom-com ever will tell you, men have been mostly cocking it up this whole time (What’s that you say? I don’t watch rom-coms, they suck! Well, you’re definitely cocking it up then).

Obviously what a woman wants in a man is different depending on the woman; but there are some things the majority of women find attractive that blokes aren’t wise to yet. A lot of fellas still think women want a “protector” above all else and they shape their behaviour accordingly. But while traditional masculine traits still have their place, women are also looking for more modern masculine qualities (killing a Woolly Mammoth no longer counts as foreplay, we have supermarkets now!)

So how do the things men think women want stack up against what women actually want?

Bloke blunder #1: Treat em mean, keep em keen.

This one plainly makes no sense, but it’s been around a while and inexplicably seems to still have some currency. If the woman in question is named Emily and she’s mad keen on S&M, then by all means Treat Em mean, keep Em keen (don’t forget a safe-word – Chewbacca is fun one!). But otherwise, meanness is not high on the list of qualities that light a lady’s fire. It doesn’t mean you have to bow to her every whim and lose your manhood, just don’t be a dick.

Bloke blunder #2: Women want the strong, silent type.

Okay, so there’s some truth to this one, at least in the early stages of courtship (note to self: don’t use the word courtship). Everyone likes a bit of mystery at the beginning of a relationship, but when things get more serious most women want a man who can open up and express his feelings, rather than a brooding, emotion-free man lump. You don’t have to wow her with poetry or Shakespearean flourishes of the tongue; you just have to be able to express your emotions from time to time. (note to self: flourishes of the tongue definitely go down well in other situations ; )

Bloke blunder #3: Problems are there to be solved.

Blokes have an inbuilt tendency to try and fix things. When they see a problem they whip out the toolbox and sort through their gear – logic, common sense, pragmatism – and find a solution. If a nail is standing proud, you hammer it. Simple. But when women raise an issue with their partners, they’re often not looking for a solution; they just want someone to listen to them. I had a shit day, I’m feeling run down, my boss is a dickhead – some things don’t need to be fixed, they just need to be heard.

This skill is not only important it’s also great value; because when you learn the art of listening properly you’re likely to identify potential issues in your relationship before they become real problems. You’ll be like the Nostradamus of problem solving, fixing shit before it’s even shit!

Of course, because everyone looks for different things in love (and sex) there’s no definitive answers for what women want (some gals may even dig mean-spirited mutes who can fix stuff good). But if you listen to women, most of them will tell you they want someone who treats them well, is supportive (listens!) and is unafraid to express his emotions. Traditional masculine traits like strength, virility and protectiveness are still important, they just need to be complimented by more modern masculine qualities as well.

And remember, when it comes to the size of your organ, they care way more about your heart than your dong.

Know someone who could use some help?

There are plenty more funny Blokelore articles; click here to read more!